Moving from “Fixer” to “Healer”
Has anyone ever asked if you’re a “fixer”? Have you noticed yourself trying to help those around you with tips or suggestions on how to deal with their problems, taking on their burdens, extending your knowledge and time, even when you weren’t asked to do so? Have you ever found yourself in a relationship that felt one-sided or in which you thought to yourself, “if only they did x different…” Have you ever just wanted to “make it better” for someone you care about, or even a stranger?
If you tend towards empathy, or really just care about people in general, you can likely answer any one or all of these questions affirmatively. As a therapist and empath, I can say I have. However, attempting to “fix” others often ends up feeling tiresome and unproductive. Sometimes the desire and need to fix comes from childhood wounds. Perhaps you had to care for your caregivers or keep the peace in your family of origin. Perhaps you were the child of a substance dependent parent. Perhaps you never felt taken care of or your needs weren’t prioritized. Fixing can also come from a deep sense of empathy. Understanding and caring about what another person is going through and trying to help them along can be seen as great asset. Maybe your values and spiritual beliefs encourages charitable acts and “fixing” has become a part of that for you.
However you’ve adopted a role as “fixer,” there might be times in your life that you feel overwhelmed or depleted. There might also be times when your intentions to be helpful cross the realm into co-dependency or pathology. People may ask more of you than you are able to give. People may become dependent on you. Relationships may become inequitable, unhealthy, and your boundaries may be ignored. Through no fault of those involved or however well intended, fixing does not work. To quote the overused adage, you can’t change anyone, they have to want to change themselves.
It is possible to foster and cultivate any good-natured desires to be a helpful friend, partner, family member, and citizen in ways that support positive mental and spiritual wellness by shifting from “fixer” to “healer.” You may ask what the difference is between the two, so we will start there.
When we think of the word “fix” it elicits the notion that something is broken. It also implies a solution is needed, a problem needs managing, or a thing needs manipulated so that it works properly again. All these notions apply when we are talking about a car, electrical equipment, or any nonworking object, but does it also feel appropriate when we apply those notions to an individual? Are individuals broken, in need of managing and manipulating? Is it your responsibility or position to fix another? What qualifications do you have to do so, or even to judge for them what needs changing? And lastly, do your motives involve secondary gain?
Healing implies solutions and fixing but more than that, it comes from a position of restoration and acknowledges resilience. Healers rely on knowledge and skills to assess a problem, not subjectivity and judgments. Typically, and hopefully, they do not force their will or manipulate to effect change in an individual. Helping is ethically measured and healers use their energy where it is warranted and desired.
So, what steps can you take if you want to move towards healing? The first is to work on yourself. Ask yourself what you need and where your life may be lacking. Are you feeling depleted, isolated, or anxious? Are you living wholeheartedly? Do you feel fulfilled? If these questions elicit a response for you, next ask yourself if you can find a way to resolve them. Do you need to seek professional help? Do you need to learn to rely on others or ask for help? Do you need to shift your perspective? A shift in perspective can be as simple as identifying that which you are grateful for both from within and without yourself. Whatever comes up for you, accept it and decide what action you want to take to help heal yourself first.
Another aspect of working on yourself is to explore why you are drawn to helping others and make any needed connections to your shadow self. The shadow makes up the parts of us we hide from the world and mask with behaviors and traits we believe are more desirable to help us to better get our needs met. It is here that our most basic desires and needs sit, awaiting our attention. As mentioned earlier, childhood wounds, such as fear, neglect, trauma, family conflicts, ego dissonance, and the like can become a part of our shadows, resulting in behaviors that we believe are more appropriate and “fixing” others can be a manifestation of this. The need to fix may be the outward expression of the shadow trying to get a need met. Once you get to know and approach your shadow self with kindness and acceptance, you can better understand your propensity to fix and move towards healing.
For example: consider a child who grew up in a household that was chaotic and unstable at times. Although the parents were together, the father sometimes drank too much and the mother enabled the father out of fear and necessity. Despite frequent conflict between the two and criticisms from her husband, the mother continued to stay in the relationship. The child, who grew up witnessing this and not knowing any difference, internalized the messages they heard about their mother- that she was no good, stupid, and incompetent. The child both felt sorry for the mother and ashamed that she did not stick up for herself. The child wanted to protect their mother, but as a small child was unable to and soon grew to feel helpless and ineffective. Though the mother loved the child very much, she was often unable to fully care for the child due to her own distress. Feeling conflicted about their relationship with their parents, insecure about their ability to be safe, not getting their needs for love and attention fully met, and feelings of inadequacy, the child puts these difficult emotions in the shadow and becomes a self-sufficient older child and adult, rejecting the mother as weak, and aiming for perfection. They grow up feeling that inadequacies are weaknesses, learn to hide them away, and to overcompensate by being overly critical of themselves and others. They appear confident on the outside. They assert their strong opinions of those around them and counsel or advise those they are closer to reflect their own need to achieve perfection. Hence fixing behaviors come to play. The need to fix others “corrects” their shadow selves’ perceptions that they are flawed and in need of fixing, and those imperfections they see in others that need correcting are directly related to the shadow’s fears, insecurities, emotions, and perceived flaws they are hiding themselves.
In order to integrate the shadow into a more whole self, we must be willing to look at those often scary parts within ourselves that hide below the surface.
Developing boundaries is another way to move towards a healing mentality. Boundaries include our personal relationship with ourselves and the way we chose to interact with others. These are the rules we set up for ourselves and the limits of our behaviors in relation to others. Just like a physical boundary, personal boundaries mark the line of where we each end and others begin. This can apply to physical space and also emotional connection. When our boundaries are porous, we allow too much external influence into our spheres. When our boundaries are rigid, we maintain unreasonable expectations and do not allow others access to parts of ourselves which may cause isolation. Setting personal boundaries may be difficult, especially if it is foreign or we did not have helpful examples in our childhoods. However, it involves knowing our true selves and trusting our instincts about what feels good and safe, versus what does not. Our boundaries sometimes change depending on the relationship we are applying them to; being more relaxed with people we trust versus more rigid with newer relationships or those we’ve learned to distrust. Whatever the relationship, healthy boundaries protect us from giving too much, from doing too much, and from allowing ourselves to be treated in ways we do not want to be treated. A good tool for establishing your own boundaries is to listen to your instincts. If something feels bad to you, you get a body sensation or start to feel emotional, it is a good sign that your boundaries aren’t being respected. Take notice and adjust. Try viewing the situation outside of your self, as if it were happening in a professional setting or a friend were experiencing the situation. If you would not tolerate the issue in a professional setting or if you would be upset if your friend was dealing with the same problem, you probably need to set a boundary based on your personal ethics and values. Instead of looking at the situation, check in with yourself about what in that situation is triggering you specifically for a greater understanding of yourself and to make needed changes to your own behaviors, instead of expecting something different from the other person(s) involved.
What does boundary setting have to do with fixing versus healing? When our boundaries are loose and we try to help those around us, we allow them to loosen their boundaries by example and set ourselves up for creating dependence. When we do not recognize our own limitations, we experience burn out, resentment, and isolation. We further complicate situations with our own stuff (think shadow). However, when we create and maintain boundaries, we protect ourselves and others allowing for healing in both directions.
Developing self-care practices can also be a useful tool in healing. Self-care goes beyond getting enough sleep and eating well, it involves nurturing and honoring ourselves. Self-care also involves utilizing our energy in ways that make sense and learning to say no. It involves exploring our gifts and interests. And lastly, it involves practicing acceptance and kindness towards ourselves and those around us. Some examples of self-care practices include mediation, affirmations, reframing shame and guilt ridden self-talk, practicing gratitude and empathy, exploring creativity, spending time in nature, spending time with loved ones and alone, self-reflection and journaling, and striving to live mindfully. Although this list is not exhaustive, I challenge you to find what most resonates with you and creatively explore your own list.
Healing starts from within. At the place and time when we have decided to know and love ourselves and honor our own boundaries, we can extend that love to others in truly moving and fulfilling ways. The work is never ending and sometimes arduous, but well worth the journey. I continue on mine daily and wish you safety and serenity in your own. Thank you for reading.
Copyright 2023 Danielle Connell, MSW, LCSW-C
Read more:
https://www.berkeleywellbeing.com/shadow-work.html
http://thefordinstitute.com/shadow-work
https://psychcentral.com/relationships/what-are-personal-boundaries-how-do-i-get-some
