About Toxic Feminity

We are currently living in a world where gender has been called into question unlike any other time in our collective histories. Not that this is a new concept, gender fluidity has been around for centuries. But in this day of social media, branding, and virtual presence, we can barely escape the pressures to claim our gender status in however we engage in such platforms. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t believe this to be a bad thing. After all, constructs such as gender, play a huge role in stereotyping and homogenization which by its nature leads to oppression and stagnation as an ever potentially evolving species.

All this aside, further exploration into gender roles and stereotypes has lead in more recent years to a conversation about toxic masculinity, such a profound and enlightened concept that has gone way too long without acknowledgement. How can it not overshadow its counterpart, toxic femininity, in its importance at the discussion table. However, as with most dichotomies, we cannot honestly discuss one without the other. And that is where this post comes to life.

We all hopefully know by now what toxic masculinity is. Picture the stereotypical fraternity party, boys trying to prove themselves men by drinking way past intoxication, trying to put another notch in the proverbial bedpost as a sense of status, often violent, and might I suggest somewhat homoerotic gestures in the name of brotherhood... These acts, even outside of the realm of greek college life, have existed throughout history as everything from boys play and rites of passage to organized sports and politics. But what exactly is toxic femininity? After all, girls are inherently sugar and spice and everything nice, right?

It is not new information that pink means girl and blue means boy but when we examine this beyond stereotypic gender roles and the line where toxicity is crossed, female gender roles are just as damaging as their male counterparts, for both cis and homosexual individuals and to varying degrees, for sure.

In the following paragraphs I will focus on the negative impact of female gender roles on gender identifying and cis females. Not to ignore that of non binary, queer, gender fluid, and trans folk, but to speak to the knowledge I have at this time. Clearly adding more variables to the mix can only further complicate an already complex problem.

It goes without saying that stereotyping of any group can be damaging at best, but traumatic in reality. This very expansive topic has the potential to move in so many directions that it would be fruitless to not have a specific point of reference and as stated before, in this piece, I will focus solely on toxic femininity in the traditional sense, as it manifests in both societal oppression and individual trauma.

So, what the actual f*** does it mean to be a girl? On the surface it means you like the color pink, to wear dresses, to put on make-up, to smell nice, want a husband and children, and a career that is both fulfilling but doesn’t interfere ‘too much” with the role of wife and mother. As well as a whole host of other expectations. Beyond the surface, it also means that you wont take up too much space, that you will know your place, you won’t wear that outfit unless you’re asking for unwanted attention, that you are expected to fit into a man’s world, and that you sacrifice your wants, dreams, and needs for those around you.

As a real life antidote for this, I will share a personal experience. I was in my early 20s and at a gas station to put gas in my car. I pulled up to the pump, got out, inserted the hose into the nozzle, and then went about my business. In that time, the seemingly “kind and benevolent” gas station attendant came out of his place perched on the pleather stool behind the bullet proof screen to “assist.” He introduced himself in a friendly fashion, asking about my day and how I was doing, made small talk while my gas was pumping, and then proceeded to come towards me, smiling, outstretched and open arms, until he reached into me for a hug. I WAS PUMPING MY GAS. I did not ask for help. I was not distressed. I was young but not new. And

what did I do? Felt horrified and confused and appalled and at the same time, I did nothing. I let this complete stranger touch me. I didn’t want to offend him. I didn’t want to hurt his feelings, as he was just being “nice.” 44 year old me now says to that 20 year old, f*** that!! BUT, when it comes down to it and I look honestly, I still respond in the same ways to situations often despite my boundaries being crossed and my red flag feelings screaming for my attention.

Often, female gender roles have involved subjugation and submission. In previous generations, women were considered property, not mentally stable, and not to have the intellectual capacities of men so as not to be allowed into positions of power. These notions still exist in so many interwoven and tangled facets of daily life, both in the workforce, at home, and in the general media. It is difficult to tease out, especially when not truly thinking about it, what is part of the construct and how to go about dismantling it. But the idea of toxic femininity is one, we as women and gender identified women, often play out with and without even knowing it. Here is a small list of examples of toxic femininity.

*Feeling and taking responsibility for everything and everyone

*Mom guilt

*Virgin / whore complexes

*Not taking up physical and nonphysical space

*Consumerism of unnecessary products aimed at enhancing physical attributes and anti-aging Ignoring our own boundaries and feelings and wants for the benefit of others

*Not speaking up when we would otherwise like to

*Allowing significant others to solely control finances or other important aspects of life

*Not accepting help

*Using sex as a way to meet a non-sexual need (unless you’re in the sex industry)

*Talking badly about other women / gender identifying women

*Denying certain interests because of their attachment to gender norms

*Not dealing with shame and other painful emotions

*Engaging in the pressure to be “nice” and not ask for what we need

*Feeling the need to earn respect, love, to be cared for, what we want, etc.

*Qualifying before or after speaking our minds. Consider such phrases as, “I might be wrong” or “does that make sense?”

The list could go on and on. I am not saying that if you do or have done any of these things, you are a bad woman. I am guilty of doing and have done many of them too. Which is why I feel it is important to address, or at least discuss. While I, maybe pessimistically, do not think we can make significant change during my lifetime to this issue, I do believe there are things all genders can do to evolve from here. The first is being aware. The second is making choices that make sense to you.

Anyone who has ever experienced me as a therapist knows that I support choice 100%. The notion that you can do whatever you wish, with the caveat that the decisions made are based in informed choice. When we relate it back to my list, if you’re engaging in mom guilt for example, be aware that is what you’re doing and make the choice to do that. Own it and be okay with it, for no one else but yourself. And then move on from it and do not dwell there. There is so much power in knowing, acknowledging, making an informed choice, owning that choice, and then moving on from it.

Another thing we can do to help combat toxic femininity is to truly embrace who we are, flaws, imperfections, mortality, and all. We can embrace the “good” too. We can accept ourselves, our bodies, or abilities or disabilities as part of our identity, and work on banishing shame. Here is how this works... Thought: I should be more fit, if I were, I’d be more likable, I’d feel better about myself, I’d have a better partner. Corrective, or more adaptive thought: I would like to be

more fit. I am a good friend and a likable person as is, but I would feel more comfortable in my own skin and healthier. If my partner is not as I’d like them to be, that has nothing to do with my appearance and I need to work that issue out with them or myself. Explore the reasons you’re not where you want to be and decide (choice) what, if anything, you want to do about it.

We can change our thought patterns and processes to reflect that which we value and want to emanate. We do not have to buy into beauty as it relates to fertility and youth. We do not have to buy into our worth being attached to our appearance or our position with those around us. We do not have to buy into the notion that getting older is a bad thing. We do not have to please others before ourselves. We do not have to engage in shame because we have so called flaws and are imperfect. We can explore whatever holds our interest. We do not have to adopt archaic attitudes about limitations based on anatomical differences. We can speak to what is truly in our minds, to what truly impacts us both positively and negatively, we can state firmly when we are uncomfortable, and we do not have to accept others’ opinions of us when we do. We do not have to shut ourselves into a corner so as not to be labeled or treated poorly. We can give ourselves individually and collectively the respect we deserve. And we can try to help educate others.

*In honor of anyone who is unable to do what I am suggesting here due to threats of violence or potential impact to safety, I want to fully acknowledge that there is privilege in what I propose. Safety is not negotiable but also an important aspect of what I speak here. If you are in a situation that is dangerous, please use your discretion and get out or get help, when you are able. If you are unsafe to express yourself due to less transparent safety concerns, please consider that as well. Regardless though of the situation you may find yourselves, please be safe and please make whatever changes feel right to you. If nothing else, this article has hopefully planted a seed of change we can all contemplate to fit our needs.

Further reading:

https://www.verywellmind.com/what-is-toxic-femininity-5222736

http://www.psychologytoday.com/

https://www.forbes.com/sites/drnancydoyle/2021/07/13/we-need-to-talk-about-toxic-femininity-at-work/?sh=34e40b602769

Thank you to all who read. Your feedback is welcome as long as it is thoughtful and respectful.

Copyright 2023 Danielle Connell, MSW, LCSW-C